Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways. So each week, we round up the most hilarious 280-character quips from moms and dads to spread the joy.
“Groundhog Day,” only it’s my distracted toddler running into the same wall ten times this morning.
— A Bearer Of Dad News (@HomeWithPeanut) July 25, 2018
6yo: Mom, can I—
Me: You can do anything you want as long as I don’t have to get up.
— Toni Hammer (@realtonihammer) July 24, 2018
An effective way to keep your kids from saying “I’m hungry” every 10 minutes when they’re bored is to send them outside and lock all the doors.
— Kate Hall (@KateWhineHall) July 23, 2018
Never respond to your kid when they say “Guess what!” from the bathroom.
— Unfiltered Mama (@UnfilteredMama) July 26, 2018
You’ll know it’s summer at my house when you hear a 3yo say, “Can I get ice cream after I finish my Cheetos?”
— Walking Outside (@WalkingOutside) July 22, 2018
I’m just a mom, standing in front of my husband, trying to say something I can no longer remember because our kids interrupted us 175 times.
— Mommy Owl (@Lhlodder) July 24, 2018
If this tv is so smart, why can’t it tell me where my toddler keeps hiding the remote?
— The ParentNormal (@ParentNormal) July 25, 2018
80% of taking your kids on vacation is keeping them out of gift shops.
— Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) July 22, 2018
Sorry we’re late. I only budgeted 2 hours of time to get my family out the door.
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) July 26, 2018
On this day July 23, 2018 at approximately 6:45am, my 4yo bulldozed onto my bed until our foreheads touched and she asked “are you excited for Christmas?!”
— MotherPlaylist (@MotherPlaylist) July 23, 2018
I see your “constantly doing laundry” and raise you a “forever loading and reloading the dishwasher.”
— Dad and Buried (@DadandBuried) July 24, 2018
Did a home repair project ourselves to teach our kids work ethic and a few new swear words.
— Mary (@AnniemuMary) July 26, 2018
Not sure why I need a pen, plastic food, an Easter basket and sunglasses while I sit on the toilet, but the 2 year old was very insistent that I have them.
— Janina Maria (@dontlosethekids) July 27, 2018
My toddler bit an animal cracker in half and said “haha now he can’t poop or pee” which is more savage than anything I’ve seen on the internet lately.
— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) July 26, 2018
Being a summer parent is 84% making anything a game to occupy kids so they won’t drive you insane.
At the beach: “Okay, the first one to count how many grains of sand there are gets all the juice boxes this month. Be exact!”
— TheAlexNevil Can Be Heard On Tape 101 (@TheAlexNevil) July 26, 2018
Coffee tastes better when you use filtered water and your kids are still asleep.
— your mom (@eff_yeah_steph) July 25, 2018
Day 53 of summer vacation:
“After you die in this Fortnite battle, clean your room” is something I say now.
— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) July 23, 2018
In vacation house:
Me: “Be careful not to spill your drink.”
6y.o: “Oh, I know. This house is way too nice to spill in. Not like ours.”
— Stephanie Ortiz (@Six_Pack_Mom) July 26, 2018
Today my kids have fought over:
The right way to eat yogurt.
Whose toenails are “pokier”.
One. Single. Lego.
Anyways, best of luck on your second pregnancy!
— MyMomologue (@MyMomologue) July 25, 2018
I hosted a play date. The kids only broke one thing, so I’m counting it as a win.
— Sara Says Stop (@PetrickSara) July 23, 2018