Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways. So each week, we round up the most hilarious 280-character quips from moms and dads to spread the joy.
Parenting: Where the coffee’s always cold and the beer’s always warm.
— Paige Kellerman (@PaigeKellerman) July 31, 2018
Dad will you help me with this?
-My daughter showing me her summer reading list on the day before she goes back to school.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) August 1, 2018
Someone rang our doorbell and my son said, “Time to put on pants!”
— Unfiltered Mama (@UnfilteredMama) August 3, 2018
Family vacations be like, oh you love your kids? Prove it, bitch, sleep in a double bed with three of them.
— Lurkin’ Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) August 1, 2018
My 5 y/o did a giggling backward somersault out of his bed meanwhile I won’t be fully awake until just before lunch
— Bunmi Laditan (@HonestToddler) August 3, 2018
Tonight’s dinner of pancakes & tater tots is brought to you by “I didn’t feel like going to the grocery store.”
— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) July 30, 2018
8yo: Dad, can I eat on the couch?
Me: Sure, as long as you’re carefu-
8yo: I spilled my drink
Me: Of course— Robert Knop (@FatherWithTwins) July 31, 2018
Prepare your spouse for parenthood by waking them up at 3 AM to tell them it’s not raining and then demand some cheese.
— ☕️MacgyveringMom22🍷 (@MacgyveringM22) July 31, 2018
The word “precocious” would be completely unnecessary if people got over their squeamishness about calling children assholes.
— Andy Richter (@AndyRichter) July 28, 2018
Our four year old just refused a zucchini muffin because he says it’s filled with grass.
— dadpression (@Dadpression) July 30, 2018
Motherhood is finally getting to take a relaxing bath and someone immediately deciding they need to poop in the bathroom you’re in.
— Ramblin Mama (@ramblinma) July 30, 2018
The experience of giving birth has taught me so much, like how to labor-breathe through stress of buckling my toddler into his car seat.
— MyMomologue (@MyMomologue) July 30, 2018
[registering the kids for school]
Wife: The school wants us to verify our address.
Me: Tell them no returns.
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) August 1, 2018
I’m a parent. My hobbies include watching fresh produce rot in my fridge, and telling my kids that they should have done what I asked the first time.
— Sara Says Stop (@PetrickSara) August 2, 2018
In order for my baby to sleep comfortably, the room must be filled with the sound of a barge going through a rain storm, and some crickets. 🙄 #soundengineer #momlife
— Mindy Kaling (@mindykaling) July 31, 2018
Husband: *parallel parks the minivan in a tight spot in one try*
Me: *ovulates*
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) July 31, 2018
Real questions my kids get out of bed to ask at 10pm: “Mom, do you have any twigs I can use?”
— Ashley Austrew (@ashleyaustrew) July 31, 2018
They say there’s no way to tell from childhood who will become a psychopath but I just saw a kid eat breakfast cereal with water and I’ll be keeping my eye on him.
— HowToBeADad (@HowToBeADad) July 31, 2018
4-year-old: “Mommy, play the song by Taylor Swift about the boy that was mean.”
Me: *Plays song*
4: “Not this one. The other one.”
Me: *Plays song*
4: “The other one.”
Me: *Plays song*
4: “The other one.”
247 songs later…
4: “The other one.”
— Mommy Owl (@Lhlodder) July 30, 2018